The Interview

Claude Pauls: prospective Natural Sciences undergraduate.
Professor Archibald Bigwither.
Professor Reginald Birdiethighs.

Prof. A: Interviews, interviews, interviews. You'd think people would get tired of applying to Oxbridge.

Doc. R: Yes, well, gives them something to look forward to I'm sure.

Prof. A: The arrogance of youth!

Doc. R: The hot, gushing pride!

Prof: A: The moist, glistening dreams!

Doc: R: And for us - the chance to step all over it. Now then, we're doing Scientists today... have you got the hose pipe?

Prof. A: And the vaseline.

Doc. R: Good, good. How's the banana doing?

Prof. A: Fermenting nicely.

Doc. R: Excellent, excellent... lets see, the first one is... Claude Pauls... which name shall we mispronounce?

Prof. A: Surname,  I think... Claude... Claude... Falls? Claude... Shawls? Claude... aaaah....

< - suddenly looks at Prof. R appreciatively. They have realised the obvious choice for a surname... there is a knock on the door...>

Doc. R: Come in, Clawed Balls.

Claude: Oh... hello, um.. professors.

Prof. A: Come in, come in, do sit down.

<Claude looks around. There is clearly no chair for him.>

Claude: There's um... there's no chair.

Doc. R: Very good! <As if surprised>

<Pulls a fold out chair from under the table and hands it to Claude. Claude attempts to erect it, but seems to be having some difficulty.>

Claude: Gosh.. I uh... I hope this isn't some sort of test is it? Ahahah... 'cos I'm... well I'm not doing very.. well... hah...

Doc. R: Oh no. We'd never do anything like that. Ahahaha. Would we? <The laugh is obviously fake. He nudges Prof. A who is furiously scribbling notes on a mark sheet.>

Prof. A: <looks up> Ahahaha <Obviously fake laugh. He returns to making a final portentous mark.>

<Claude manages to sit down.>

Prof. A: Now then Mr. Balls, I am Professor Archibald Bigwither, and this is Doctor Reginald Birdiethighs. We will be interviewing you today for... <Looks disdainfully at the list> Natural sciences... Tell me, are you nervous?

Claude: Oh, well, yes actually.

<Sharp intake of breath from Doc. R as if to say "that was a very silly answer, now wasn't it?". He scribbles omenously on his mark sheet.>

Prof. A: Now, I think we'll start with a simple logic problem. Square A is larger than Square B. How does Square B feel about this?

Claude: <Utterly thrown off guard> Well... um... I suppose it would... depend upon the... temperament of the individual square?

Prof. A: Uh-huh. <Obviously unimpressed> Well, we won't be needing this section of the interview then <Unclips a large section of paper from the sheef he is holding, and drops it theatrically in the bin.> Now, what is your favourite type of frog?

Claude: Excuse me?

Prof. A: What is your favourite type of frog?

Claude: Are you joking?

Prof. A: Do I look as if I have ever told a joke?

Claude: I fail to see how the question is relevant!

Prof. A: You do, do you? Mmmm! Might I ask who has the doctorates in this room? Who is western Europe's second leading authorirty on infectious diseases of the mammary glands?

Doc. R: Who was voted "Mr. Intestinal Parasite Researcher 2003"?

Claude: You?

Prof. A: Why yes, I do believe it is me. Now, answer the question.

Claude: Could you... could you narrow it down a bit?

Prof. A: Well, given a choice between the Hungarian Whooping Frog and the African Cannibal Toad, which would you go for?

Claude: The... Hungarian Whooping Frog?

Prof. A: Oh... oh so you're that sort of boy... well...

Doc. R: If I might make some suggestions. As I understand it, you are applying for... Sciences of some sort... now, I never approved of the year in which they removed the rule stipulating that all science applicants must speak a modern language... parlez-vous Francais?

Claude: Pardon?

Doc. R: Parlez-vous Francais?

Claude: Well... well not very well-

Doc. R: Parlez vous Francais!?!?

Claude: Oui, oui monsieur! <terrified>

Doc. R: Tres bien. Pourquoi est-ce que vous aimez les sciences naturelles?

Claude: <With difficulty> Parce-que ils sont... tres... interessants... et aussi... importants... pour la monde... moderne?

Doc. R: <After a pause> Oui, ça ira, Monsieur Balls.

Prof. A: Now I'd like to ask you some questions about the subject itself. Could you explain Hydrogen bonding to me?

Claude: Ah, well yes. You see, in covalent bonds between atoms of different electronegativity... <He is distracted by Doc. R, who is pulling on obviously and loudly a pair of marigold gloves. If possible, they should make that "snap!" noise> ... in covalent bonds between atoms of different electronegativity, there is an uneven distribution of the electrons in the covalent bond... the more electronegative atom withdraws them... and...<Doc. R is now measuring his skull with a large pair of calipers. He seems to be quite interested in this> ... and this leaves the less... electronegative... less...

Prof. A: Oh, don't mind Reginald, he's an amateur phrenologist. How's his head Regie?

Doc. R: Some mild criminal tendencies and a slight penchant for buggery I'm afraid. <Realises that Claude has stopped talking in sheer horror> Answer the question boy!

Claude: <Rapidly speeding up> The less electronegative atom has a slight delta plus charge, the more electonegative atom a slight delta minus charge, allowing the positively charged atom to bond with the negatively charged atom from another molecule, or visa versa!

Prof. A: Not bad. But you forgot to mention that the two bonded atoms need to be a combination of Hydrogen with either Oxygen, Nitrogen or Fluorine. <Before Claude can protest> Now one last question before you leave, Mr. Balls, are you a virgin?

Claude: I fail to see how that is any business of yours!

<Brief silence>

Doc. R: So that's a "yes" is it?

Claude: Aaaagh!

<Claude runs out of the room>

Prof. A: Well I think he did pretty well.

Doc. R: Yes, he didn't even hit me. Shall we give him a place?

<Prof. A pulls out a coin, and flips it. They look at the result.>

Prof. A: No.